For What It’s Worth
After my last post, I went back and read my 2021 word-of-the-year blog and found that my word was “rely”, not “hope” as I thought. And “rely” I did! I leaned on a lot of people in 2021 for support and it was great. Did you know that friends and family don’t mind if you ask for help? And it doesn’t make you less of a person when you ask? (Queue explosion sound here!)
I was having a heck of a time coming up with a word for 2022. Not because I think that I am perfect and life is perfect and I don’t need to have any goals or aspirations, but because my life is so perfectly imperfect it’s hard to choose one word.
It could have been “love”. Learning to better show my love and also seeking romantic love could be a good thing. I have spent more than my fair share of years looking for love in all the wrong places. It could have been “fight”. There are a lot of things worth fighting for, are there not? Even the Beastie Boys say so. Oh, how about “fun”? There are certainly many fun activities regionally about which I have said “one of these days I am going to go there”. I am always looking for fun activities to schedule a girls’ day (and sometimes I even include guys). There was also “travel”. I have a big Southwest credit to use from the 2020-cruise-that-wasn’t. Hhmm, I am due a ‘Burgh trip and would love to fly to Naples to visit my aunt and uncle too. Alas, although awesome, none of these words seem to feel word-of-the-year worthy.
Wait, “worthy.” WORTHY! That’s a great word! That’s an aspirational word. And it fits. I recently discovered I am up for an award at our yearly appreciation event at work. My immediate response was “why me?” Most people would be excited, and I am, don’t get me wrong! But I am also perplexed. I don’t feel like I am anything special…certainly not award worthy. My reaction made me contemplate some inner “stuff”. You know the stuff: the stuff you ignore until you can no longer do so? I see a new area of exploration coming in my next therapy session. Until then, I am going to self-analyze.
I am not saying that I am UN-worthy. I have just never though of myself as special. And, like a lightning bolt, it recently hit me that being worthy and being special are not, in fact, the same! In fact, being “special” can mean different things to different people. Everyone is special. None of us are exactly alike. That fellow zodiac sign who always seems to be on the same wavelength: still different than you. That random stranger you met and became an instant friend having bonded over the situation you were in at the time: still different than you. That sibling or cousin that you’ve always understood on a deeper level: still different than you. Carbon copies only exist on paper. And thank God for that!
Having said that, even as we’re all special, all different, we’re ALL worthy. I am not sure when I began to feel unworthy. It’s not something I realized until, well, until like 10 minutes ago when I started writing about being worthy, but I can pinpoint an example. I had boobs early (I know, hard right turn, but stay with me here). I had boobs early, like fourth grade, and quickly that became something that defined me. It defined my worthiness with the boys and defined my unworthiness with the girls. I was treated differently by different people for the same reason, and both of those reactions had a negative impact on my feelings of self-worth. How quickly it became something I felt I needed to hide! I was a dancer growing up and had very straight posture as a result. I was constantly accused of sticking out my chest when I was really just standing tall, carrying my body. It seems so silly and obvious now. That simple little thing, a thing that I had absolutely no control over, that made me question my worth as a woman and as a human.
I could go on with the other examples that have flooded my brain since this realization but then this would be a book, not a blog, and ain’t nobody got time to read my life story (nor do you want to!). For now, it’s enough to know that I have value, and so do you. My life has value. My love has value. My feelings have value. I am worthy of goodness and light, no matter the mistakes and choices I make or the mistakes and choices of the people surrounding me.
Worth isn’t defined by being special. Worth is defined by being a human with a soul. And that’s worth talking about!
